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05 September 2010 @ 08:08 pm
I'd Still Like You If You Were A Zombie  
Title: I'd Still Like You If You Were A Zombie

Author: puckkit

Rating: G

Pairing/Character: Gen

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the movie Inception, therefore all of this is false and made up from my charmingly eccentric imagination.

Author's Notes: Written for this prompt at the inception_kink meme. PURE CRACK. Zombie!Mal, some team comedy, oodles of crack.

“Seriously?” Ariadne asked.

The entire group was standing a little behind Cobb, clearly frightened. A few metres ahead of them stood Mal. Normally, the projection of Mal was a little scary, but ever since Cobb had gotten over Mal and dealt with her in the way of dream thieves everywhere she had become... even more terrifying.

“I would like to eat your brains,” Mal called out in some sort of perverse Red Rover scenario.

“Yeah, about that...” Eames muttered, hiding behind Arthur for protection.

Yusuf frowned. Cobb groaned, hands massaging his temples.

“This is all your fault,” Eames remarked to Cobb. Arthur gave him a sharp elbow in the ribs. “What was that for?” Eames rubbed at his side, “It is!”

“Can it! We all have enough psychological scars at your hand anyway with your ‘I’m a skinny little blond chick’ disguise. Some of us will never be able to get that image out of our brains for the rest of our lives no matter how much we drink.”

“Not true!” Ariadne remarked, hand in the air as if she were waiting for a teacher to call on her to answer a question. “I happen to have it on good authority that enough vodka will cure all that ails you. Including that.”

“Drunkard,” Eames muttered.

“I heard that!”

“You would!” He yelled out, still crouched behind Arthur. “You always have your nose in everyone’s business anyway!”

“Hey guys, remember that brain-eating zombie Mal that we were scared of two point five seconds ago?” Arthur questioned calmly. “Yeah, that one. She’s still here, in case you were wondering.”

“I am... hungry,” Mal stated, looking confused. Dom pouted a little and Arthur frowned in annoyance.

“Then go eat some other projections!”

“I don’t want some other projections,” Mal looked even more confused. Dom thought she looked beautiful with her grey visage, limp hair, and bloodthirsty gaze.

As if reading his thoughts, Ariadne called out, “for God’s sake, Dom, she’s dead! And now she’s a zombie! You're even more twisted than I thought you were.”

“What? What! I didn’t say anything!”

Yusuf was fascinated. Eames was terrified. Ariadne was annoyed. Dom was intrigued.

Arthur was pretty sure he was the only sane one there.

“I think there’s only one solution to this,” Arthur decided out loud.

“What’s that darling?” Eames peaked over his shoulder, “ah yes, she’s still there. Right then.”

“Give me one... second...” Arthur pulled out his iPhone. Ariadne came closer to watch. “Eames, the breathing on my neck thing? Not sexy.”

“Ridiculous, everything I do is sexy.”

Mal was heading towards them now, slow step by shuffling step. Ariadne looked up and frowned. “Should we, I don’t know, back away or something?”

Arthur glanced up from his “how to kill a zombie” Google search. “I’m guessing she’ll take about five minutes to get from there to here. Maybe take two steps back, that should give us enough time.”

Everyone took two steps back except Dom.

“But she’s so pretty... I love you Mal, zombie or not.”

Ariadne rolled her eyes, walked over and slapped him on the side of the head. “I can’t even believe we follow you sometimes. Pull it together, man!” and with that, she grabbed his arm and dragged him to their group.

Yusuf rolled his eyes. “This is ridiculous, I’ll see you guys on the other side. I have an illegal underground business to run involving too many drugs and a lot of unconscious people. Give me a text when you get out.” He pulled a gun out of his pocket, saluted Mal, and shot himself.

“Huh,” Eames remarked as he disappeared. “Why don’t we just do that?”

Arthur frowned as he read, “Why do you even talk when all that comes out of your mouth is stupidity? Now, this website says we just need to somehow remove her head from her body. So... basically, kill her the way we killed her before? Well then. I guess Dom should be the one to do it.”

Arthur looked over to where Dom was to find him reaching towards zombie Mal with a lovesick expression and a tentative hand. “Oh for the love of...” He walked over, put his gun in Dom’s hand and pointed it at Mal.

“Now, shoot.”

Dom looked at him like he was the zombie. The nerve.

“I can’t... that’s Mal!”

“Dom! It’s a zombie! Plus, if you don’t shoot, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Dom’s shot rang loud and true. Arthur smirked, Eames threw his hands in the air and Ariadne shook her head. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

“Seriously,” Arthur grabbed Dom’s face in his hands. “No more Mal, OK? Not as a projection, not as a zombie, she’s dead. Let’s go.” He grabbed the gun and shot Dom before he could respond.

Then he turned to Eames. “I hope you know how satisfying this is, every single time,” He remarked, shooting the other man just as he opened his mouth to respond. “So very, very satisfying.”

Ariadne shrugged, “it’s better than being murdered by crazy projections of Dom’s mind... but I guess you know all about that, eh?” Arthur nodded in agreement and shot her before looking back at Mal’s zombie corpse.

“Rest in peace, Mal. For real, this time.” And then he shot himself too.

I am feeling: amusedamused
I am listening to: David Guetta [ft. Akon]- Sexy Bitch
CEO, Air Perv: Inception COOBzoi_no_miko on September 6th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
“I would like to eat your brains,”

HAHAHAHHAHA AWESOME. She's so suave even when she's undead.

“for God’s sake, Dom, she’s dead! And now she’s a zombie! You're even more twisted than I thought you were.”

Yeah, it is pretty twisted when you think about it. XD This is awesome and hilarious fabulous crack, thank you!!!
Puckk: Girliepuckkit on September 6th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
So suave! I know! I love Mal wholeheartedly.

I aim to please! I can't resist a zombie!prompt, clearly!
Meamesphotoclerk on September 6th, 2010 04:33 am (UTC)
This is the best/funniest thing I have read ever.
I heart you forever.
Or at least I will when I stop laughing my fucking ass off.

"Ridiculous, everything I do is sexy."
"I hope you know how satisfying this is, every single time"
Puckk: Girliepuckkit on September 6th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)
Hurrah! I was worried it would only be me and zoi_no_miko enjoying this, as I figured we were the only ones crazy enough, but good to know there are other crazies out there!

Thanks for the feedback!

Nicolaalocine_89 on September 8th, 2010 08:21 pm (UTC)
This is more awesome than mini oreos. (which I am currently nomming on)

I love it :P
Puckk: I climb ceilings!puckkit on September 8th, 2010 09:41 pm (UTC)
I really don't think that's possible. (I'm currently craving mint oreo ice cream like you wouldn't believe)


(I LOVE your icon- hilarious)
Nicola: a-team-spinalocine_89 on September 10th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
oreos = ultimate craving.

:D thanks, I do love that icon. I like ones that make me happy :D