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20 July 2011 @ 08:19 pm
Every Girl Crazy  
Title: Every Girl Crazy

Author: puckkit

Rating: PG13 [language]

Pairing/Character: Steve/Danny, Kono, Chin

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or Hawaii 5-0 (in any of its incarnations), therefore all of this is false and made up from my charmingly eccentric imagination.

Author's Notes: No warnings for any episodes. Written for this prompt from tailoredshirt's Suit & Uniform meme. Title's from ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man.

Kono does some boss-search, Chin plays the patient ally, and Danny never stood a chance. Neither did Steve, for that matter.

It wasn’t that Danny didn’t appreciate it. Don’t get him wrong, he was a red blooded male who happened to like a lot of things that red blooded males liked. And also, a lot of things that red blooded females liked. And let’s face it, ZZ Top wasn’t lying.

Still, there was a time and a place.

And 3 o’clock at a children’s birthday party, watching as Gracie attracted way too much little boy attention and deciding whether or not going home to get his gun was an acceptable amount of time to be away from her for any reason, was neither the time nor the place.

Kono had helpfully added the caption Danny. Get some. Seriously. Above a photo of Steven J. McGarrett, official navy headshot, looking like every fantasy Danny would not admit to having even under extreme duress, and he may not be a badass SEAL but he was a Jersey cop and therefore knew the meaning of duress, thank you very much.


Danny looked up from his contemplation of how best to nullify the threat that was Kono to see Grace waving, arm wrapped around a little blond boy's neck.

Danny frowned. Was that… was that little delinquent-in-training kissing his precious angel of a daughter on the cheek?

Oh hell no.

But even though the text was forgotten for now, Kono was far from finished.


It all started with a few drinks. Naturally. Steve and Chin were having some sort of nighttime diving/being manly men excursion while him and Kono were having a couple of beers at the pub, relaxing after a long shift; you know, completely innocent things.

Danny should have known better.

Kono slid her half empty bottle from hand to hand along the smooth dark wood of their booth. “So, I’ve been doing a little research.”

“Research.” Danny was dubious. Kono, while possessing of technological knowledge that surpassed his own (likely due to age and interest), was not one to idly do anything that could be called research. Unless… “What sort of research?”

Kono just couldn’t pull off innocent. Danny wanted to tell her, but he was worried that if he did she would practice and he’d lose the only upper hand that he had, so he kept silent. For once.

“Oh, you know, Boss research.” Coy, thy name was Kono.

“Boss research,” Danny said flatly. No good could come of this. This conversation was headed in directions that he could not see himself getting out of unscathed. Backpedaling was impossible with Kono, however. He’d just have to man up and hope he escaped with a modicum of dignity attached.

“You know, boss research.”

Danny knew it was a bad sign when he could hear the italics in her voice.

“Uh huh. Boss research. Right. And this pertains to me, how…?”

Kono left her bottle on the table and leaned back. Danny sensed he had just committed a grave tactical error.

“Just keep your phone on you, bra.” She smiled, dropped a twenty on the table before she rose and grabbed her coat.


Kono leaned over and grinned, all teeth and no mercy. “I promise you’ll like it.”

Danny took a moment to finish his own beer. Dignity was overrated anyway.


Chin, while normally atop Danny’s list of People that actually have sanity, logic, and a future, had fallen in with his cousin, which automatically put him atop Danny’s Unavoidable people to avoid list.

As one might imagine from the title, Danny’s second list was pretty much useless.

“She does it because she cares, Danny.”

He gave Danny a pointed look and Danny made sure to project back pure incredulity. They were holed up behind Danny’s car as a robbery gone wrong had caught them in the wrong place at the wrong time. Danny could see Kono’s foot from where she was behind her own vehicle and could hear Steve shouting something from somewhere.

Back up, Danny thought to himself, was an actual word with an actual definition. It meant something. He did not, in fact, make it up one day in order to cheat Steve out of some sort of twisted glory. Though, admittedly, he would have, if he had thought of that.

But anyway. Back to more important matters.

Danny could not believe the amount of bullshit he was regularly subjected to from one Steve McGarrett was now being increased tenfold due to some warped ‘boss-search’ that had both Chin and Kono against him. How was a man expected to handle that?

Danny decided to ask.

“How is a man expected to handle this, Chin? This epic amount of bull-shittery that is currently being heaped upon me in a stinky, manure-y disaster.” All right, so it wasn’t his best twist of grammatical wit, but in his defense, last night had been a long night.

Danny had been having a peaceable dinner with Rachel, primarily to discuss all things Grace but also to have surprisingly pleasant conversation with his former wife. It was nice, it was good, it was completely normal and without confusing signals or distracting facial expressions. It was comfortable.

And then his phone vibrated. Danny had shot Rachel a smile and pulled up the text, feeling the smile freeze on his face in a defence mechanism Danny didn’t know he had.

I’d hit that with the fist of an angry god Kono had written above a picture of Steve in a white dress shirt, first few buttons undone, laughing with a few friends and looking for all the world like-

“Your rictus face is beginning to scare me, Daniel.” Danny had looked up. Rachel hadn’t look scared. She had looked equal parts curious and suspicious. Which, it must be noted, was never a good look for any female that associated with Danny Williams. They were all far too crafty. “Well?”

Danny had shaken his head, putting his phone away. “No. No, we are not talking about this, no. Absolutely not.”

“What are we not talking about?”

“No. Don’t even try that on me, no.” Taking a breath, Danny had leaned across the table, locking eyes with her. “Rachel. Please. If you have anything even resembling a positive emotion in your body for the man who is one half of Gracie’s DNA, you will let this lie.”

Rachel’s expression never wavered. “Of course, Daniel.”

Danny had sighed. It was not in relief.


“Kono, I swear, this is the last time I will say this,” Danny burst through the main HQ doors, striding towards Kono’s office, “but you will stop with the pictures. I realize you do not have a single ounce of human emotion in you, because you are a demon- a beautiful demon, but a demon nonetheless, but- Steve.”

“Danny.” Steve looked surprised, at least. Kono didn’t even bother. “Photos?” Steve’s gaze switched from Danny to Kono.

Shifting in her seat, Kono casually glanced over to her computer and pretended to be doing something. To her credit (not that Kono had a speck of credit left to her name, in Danny's opinion) Kono didn’t try to deny anything. “I thought they’d be helpful. Danny seemed to need a little push in the right direction.”

“Right, a push,” Danny said, throwing his arms in the air. “With what? A monster truck? You have been-“

“What pictures?”

They both froze. Kono resumed typing. Danny would bet ten to one that there were no legible words on whatever Word document she had magically brought up. Danny opened his mouth to respond but, for once in his life, nothing came out.

Utilizing his ever-surprising stealth skills, considering he was the least subtle person in the world, Steve grabbed Danny’s phone out of his hand and was looking before Danny even realized it was gone.


Danny stared. He knew exactly what Steve was looking at. A picture of Steve himself, tie half undone, arm around the waist of what appeared to be a bridesmaid, both of them battling for drunkest person still standing.

Kono’s caption read: Whatever you’re doing right now, if it’s not him, then I don’t want to know you anymore.

Steve looked from Danny, who was doing his best to hide his mortification behind a mask of blank ignorance, to Kono, who smiled.


Spawn of the devil himself, she was.

“Danny? A word?” Steve turned and walked casually into his office. Danny swallowed.

“Danny…” Kono had given up on typing and was staring him down, looking innocent (for real- she must’ve been practicing. Goddamnit, Danny was screwed). There was murderous intent encoded in that word.

Given a choice between Kono and Steve, Danny wasn’t surprised to find himself turning around and forcing himself to keep a casual pace on the way to Steve’s office. He was surprised to find himself pinned to the back of the door the second he walked inside, but hey-

Danny was an adaptable kinda guy.


Kono closed out her Word window, full of random letters and symbols, as Chin walked into her office and closed the door behind him.


Kono grinned. “C’mon, it’s me, did you ever have any doubts?”

Chin shook his head but a little smile escaped. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

Holding out her fist for a fistbump, Kono laughed. “Cuz, who are you kidding? This was my good side.”

I am feeling: accomplishedaccomplished
I am listening to: Robin Thicke - Sex Therapy (... not my fault)
Anna: H50- Kono smileswolwiegirl3 on July 21st, 2011 03:33 am (UTC)
this can bring only one response : MWWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yup, you got that right, a maniacal laugh. Because Kono plotting is the best thing the invention of ... of... like, chocolate . And pranks. Anyway, long story short, this is genius, you are a genius and I love you, you can have my futur babies, I want to live in your brain, KAY BYE.
aeleolus on July 22nd, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
Random comment is random, but i LOVE your icon! The Kono troll-face is priceless.
(no subject) - puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
space: H50-Kono-HBICiam_space on July 21st, 2011 04:24 am (UTC)
Amazing! Love this side of Kono!
Puckk: Serenepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:51 pm (UTC)
Me too! I want to hug all the fic that has a scheming Kono. Or, y'know, any Kono.
hawaii50fangirlhawaii50fangirl on July 21st, 2011 04:42 am (UTC)
This is so very full of win.
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:51 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you think so! Thank you!
Junewindycitygirly on July 21st, 2011 05:09 am (UTC)
I knew I loved Kono - and your piece just solidified the goddess that is Kono. And Chin, but mostly Kono.

Oh, so, full, of, RAD!
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:52 pm (UTC)
It's impossible to not like Kono. She is glorious. Chin is almost as glorious- I imagine that a younger Chin would have some crazy shenanigans to speak of.
Azziria: h5-0azziria on July 21st, 2011 06:53 am (UTC)
Too right, neither of them stood a chance! Love your Kono, she is a goddess :)
Puckk: Serenepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:52 pm (UTC)
Kono is a total goddess! Well said!
theeverdreamtheeverdream on July 21st, 2011 08:09 am (UTC)
Love it. Love the last line especially!
Puckk: Girliepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
antivolantivol on July 21st, 2011 08:15 am (UTC)
Kono was so awesome in this! Thank you for sharing!
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading/commenting!
delicatale: Steve in a suitdelicatale on July 21st, 2011 08:35 am (UTC)
Ahahahaha, this made me cackle in the office, which is not necessarily good, but oh, this was so satisfying!
Puckk: Girliepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)
There's nothing like a good office cackle, keeps your coworkers on their toes!
khylara: h50 watchforplotkhylara on July 21st, 2011 10:18 am (UTC)
Neither one of them stood a snowball's chance in hell - Kono is just That Damn Good. Great job - I'm still laughing.
Puckk: Serenepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:54 pm (UTC)
She is a Big Damn Hero, with sass. Thank you! (Your icon... guh)
StarbucksSuestarbuckssue on July 21st, 2011 12:37 pm (UTC)
I love this, I can really see Kono doing this, she definitely has a devilish side to her!
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:55 pm (UTC)
Without a doubt. I hope we see more of it next season!
jillianfishjillianfish on July 21st, 2011 01:13 pm (UTC)
This was hilarious. I love to see Kono using her powers for evil good.
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:56 pm (UTC)
I agree wholeheartedly!
Kare: H50 Danny smilekare on July 21st, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)
I adore your writing and it's been far too long! OMG!

Thank you for this, it's amazingly awesome!

I particularly loved this: They were all far too crafty.

Puckk: Girliepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:57 pm (UTC)
It's the attack of the comment meme! They get me every time... I have so many WIPs on the go and then here we are.

Thank you for commenting! Crafty ladies, you gotta watch out for them ;)
Lou: H50 - steve uniformgottalovev on July 21st, 2011 05:48 pm (UTC)
that was amazing! poor Danny never stood a chance =D (your Kono is fantastic :) )
Puckk: Serenepuckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:58 pm (UTC)
Danny was screwed from the beginning, but I'm pretty sure he's OK with it ;)

Thank you!
Invalid Username: [Hawaii] Kono | smilingtailoredshirt on July 21st, 2011 10:01 pm (UTC)
OMG, this whole thing is amazing. Steve and Chin being manly, Kono fake typing, and everything.

Chin, while normally atop Danny’s list of People that actually have sanity, logic, and a future, had fallen in with his cousin, which automatically put him atop Danny’s Unavoidable people to avoid list. lollllllll

Also, Kono's text when he was at dinner with Rachel had me rolling. And the end! ♥ Love it so much, thank you filling this prompt!
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 09:59 pm (UTC)
Ahah thank you! I'm glad you liked it, especially since it was your prompt! I loooove your icon. It took me a while to hunt down a smiling Kono icon.

The Huntress: KonoAlluringhuntress69 on July 22nd, 2011 01:01 am (UTC)
May I just say I love you for this, and I love your Kono, she is awesome, and poor Danny and his long-suffering inner-monologues LOL. Three cheers to you for this!!
Puckk: Kono likes this!puckkit on July 22nd, 2011 10:00 pm (UTC)
Poor Danny and his long-suffering inner-monologues indeed! He's just so put-upon haha.

I'm glad you liked it- thanks for commenting!